Observing Your Ego
5 questions to ask yourself to identify and disengage with your ego
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While I’m not particularly religious, there is something calming about congregating with others in a distraction-free and peaceful place, and I believe that at the root of it, the purposeful setting of intention (I’m here to worship) is what translates across cultures and religions. Religious services can have a positive impact on nourishing our spirituality — or at least, that is what they are intended to do.
Last Sunday, I found myself attending Easter Sunday mass. After a reading from the scripture, the priest delivered the homily, or commentary, on the reading. I expected to hear words that reaffirmed peace, love, and unity, but I encountered something different.
The priest said, “[Something, something, something]… If you believe that, you will win.”
I bristled.
To be clear, this post is not a critique of Catholicism or religion writ large, rather, it is a reflection on how these specific words impacted me. No sooner had he finished saying you will win than I felt myself launch into “observer” mode. I felt that the words not only failed to resonate but were being actively repelled.
Yet winning is a concept that resonates with our egos. It was ingrained in us as children through competitive sports, academic pursuits, and comparisons to peers ad nauseam, and it still persists in our everyday lives as adults. If I’m winning, then I’m not losing, and that means I’m okay.
Winning is not only how our world values us, but how our egos evaluate us: our parents tell us we’re wonderful, our sibling tells us that he is better, and through these conflicts, we define ourselves. We need to feel valued and so our ego seeks — even feeds on — competition. Sometimes, we go to great lengths to create a competition out of thin air, though we are unaware of our own hand in it (see: drama among friends).
If you think this doesn’t apply to you, try to remember a time in your life when a text to a love interest went unanswered, or when a friend dismissed your opinion on something. What feelings surface when you recall that memory? What behavior might those feelings encourage? Being victorious has a narcotic effect, and most of us are hooked. And therein lies the rub.
Our ego is attached to winning, and unfortunately, this attachment is what reinforces the zero-sum mindset of separateness, “othering”, and polarized thinking. If I’m winning, then they’re losing, and that means I’m okay. I don’t know if there is much we can do about this.
However, we do have the ability to disengage from our ego and observe it for what it is. The true self — this “observer” — is not required to play the game in which the ego indulges at every turn (it just tends to get dragged along as an unwilling participant). The ego wrestles with it in the mud of competition, self-doubt, jealousy, and war, and the true self forgets its essence, which is that of love, trust, acceptance, and peace.
So, the next time that your ego spurs disharmonious feelings within you, become the observer and ask yourself the following questions:
What am I feeling right now?
Why am I feeling this?
It’s important to answer this question without judging yourself (judging is the ego’s job!)
Can I accept that I am feeling this?
Yes, you can!
Can I let go of this feeling?
Can I replace this feeling with a different one (e.g. trust, love, peace, etc.)?
I find myself going through this exercise a few times each week, and each time it gets easier and easier. I remind myself that our true self does not need to win. Our true self does not need to be better than anyone else. It just is, in oneness with all that exists.