Plant Medicine Retreat: Part 1
The story of my Kundalini awakening
Welcome to the 3 people who joined Musings on Awareness last week (this community is 26 people strong)! If you haven’t yet subscribed, click the button to do the thing :)
I just returned from a 3-day plant medicine retreat and I can honestly say that across those three days, I experienced some of the most profound and enlightening moments of my life. Words are clumsy tools to describe the ineffable, but I will do my best to wield them effectively.
In preparation for the retreat, I restricted my diet for about a week. This meant no pork, no red meat, no intoxicants, and no sex. I also had to avoid foods high in tyramine (an amino acid found in fermented or ripe foods) such as aged cheeses, avocados, bananas, deli meats, mushrooms, and citrus fruits.
My boyfriend and I arrived at the church early, so we had first pick of the beds — two twin mattresses on the floor of a loft, which we shared with three other people. By the time the last few people arrived, we'd already gotten to know others in the group. It was late afternoon when we were all called to gather in the main room for the ceremony. The ceremony began with smudging of the church, a deep-breathing group meditation, and setting an intention for that night's journey. My intention was the following:
I am so open and ready for this experience. May what needs to be cleaned be clean, what needs to be learned be learned, and what needs to heal be healed. Please be gentle. Please also send my boyfriend healing energy. And thank you so much for all of it.
I was the last one to go up for the medicine. It was a viscous dark liquid, and as I gulped it down, I tried to place the taste. It reminded me of burnt raisins — not exactly nice, but also not terrible. I returned to my yoga mat, put on my eye mask, and began to relax. After around two hours, I began to notice various temperature shifts over my entire body. My teeth began to chatter, and it seemed like I was getting the chills, but not in the way that you get when you're sick. I thought to myself, wow, I’m pretty cold, and before I realized what hit me, my entire body began shaking violently and uncontrollably.
My body moved in ways I couldn’t direct, and it felt like my muscles were being controlled by some outside force or perhaps by the medicine itself. The spastic movements mainly affected my upper body, from the waist up to my head, and included everything from slight tremors to jackhammer-like jerks that nearly bent me in half. I didn’t resist anything, and frankly I’m not sure I could have controlled it even if I had wanted to.
Throughout the rest of the ceremony (6 hours), I continued to shake around like one of those air dancers you see on every car dealership lawn. There was no pain associated with any of the movements, just an overwhelming sense of energy flowing through my body. My mind was completely blank. I remember thinking, what is happening to me? I asked the question silently and the resounding answer that came back to me was that I was experiencing a Kundalini awakening/activation.
Kundalini means “coiled snake” in Sanskrit and is a form of divine feminine energy in Hinduism. This energy is said to reside at the base of the spine near the perineum and, when activated, uncoils and travels up the spine into the brain (the crown chakra). The concentration of this energy at the top of the head is thought to provide spiritual elation and liberation.
Kundalini activation can happen in a variety of ways. It can occur spontaneously, as a result of being in the company of an enlightened individual (for example, a yogi like Gopi Krishna), or as a result of spiritual practices such as meditation, Kundalini yoga, breathwork, or the consumption of plant medicine.
Here are some signs of a Kundalini activation or awakening:
You feel free from the egoic self and from the material world.
You feel complete ecstasy and peace in that moment.
You intuitively understand that we create our reality.
You feel love and compassion for all sentient beings.
Your mind is significantly calmer.
Your mind is capable of witnessing and observing.
Old difficulties and even previous tragedy no longer have the same impact on you. You remember them, but they don't bother you anymore.
You may have wonderful physical feelings, similar to a full-body orgasm, but more sensuous than sexual.
You've gained deep new insights regarding your life or prior incarnations.
You've gained new power and clarity, allowing you to make beneficial changes in your life without fear.
Your creative juices start flowing.
Your empathy increases.
Your body trembles or shakes.
I felt all of this to varying degrees throughout the ceremony. I felt an explosion of immense joy and oneness with the universe and all sentient beings, and I perceived the entirety of my being reduced to a single speck of dust in this vast expanse of nothing, only to discover that I, too, was nothingness. It was the most beautiful feeling.
I want to emphasize again that, despite my shaking, the entire ceremony was really joyful for me. So joyful, in fact, that there were times during the night when I burst out laughing. They were deep belly laughs and chuckles that were entirely unrestrained, ticklish, and seemed to build on each other, as if they would never stop once they started. Eventually, they did (much to my dismay)!
Other sensations that I felt during the ceremony:
Slight pressure at different spots on my body, which I perceived as my body getting “worked on” by someone or something
From above, a heavy pressure, almost like a gravity blanket, falling on my lower torso. The energy was neither good nor bad. It just seemed "weird," as though it wasn't supposed to be there. Before the ceremony began, our facilitators advised us that if we encountered a presence, energy, or entity, we could ask it directly if it was our teacher. It would depart if it was not. I chose to flip the question into a statement and softly said, if you are not my teacher, you may leave. Shortly after, the sensation faded and finally disappeared.
Nausea. I began vomiting towards the end of the experience and it felt like my entire throat was turning inside out and exiting my body with each hurl (I even “saw” it do so in my mind’s eye). I also felt energy shoot out of the top of my head and throat. It lasted for about 30 seconds, so I was grateful that it was so short-lived.
At one point during the ceremony, one of the facilitators came over to me and started singing over me. I hadn’t realized that as I was shaking, my breath was following the same pattern; I became exhausted making short breaths, big gasps, or forceful exhalations in rapid succession. The facilitator whispered to me to remember my breathing – deep belly breaths in and full exhalations out. My breathing and shaking both improved when I started doing this (there was a slight relaxation of shaking but no abatement, really). Although I was having a blast, I was relieved when the ceremony finally came to an end at around 4am.
Before our next ceremony on Day 2, the entire group gathered in a sharing circle. The sharing circle is an important aspect of the retreat because it gives you the opportunity to connect with others in your group and helps you process and integrate your own experience. Moreover, your lessons might sometimes be revealed through the stories of others, which is exactly what happened to me.
My boyfriend shared his experience from Day 1 and expressed how difficult it was to hear me struggling and not be able to help (side note: we cannot touch or talk to other people during the ceremony). His response substantially influenced my interpretation of the entire experience: on the outside, it appeared as if I was writhing in pain, as any witness would have legitimately inferred based on my body contortions, uncontrollable inhales and exhales, and other strange sounds that I was making. But I wasn’t in pain at all. In reality, I felt pure bliss, happiness, and immense gratitude the entire time.
The big lesson for me was that we tend to observe people’s outward appearance and assume that we know what’s happening on the inside. We think that most people are all right because their exterior looks polished or they seem happy, but on the inside, they may be harboring an incredible amount of pain, self-doubt, trauma, or something else that aches their soul. We can’t afford to assume that everyone is okay. I came to this realization after experiencing the inverse (appearing to be struggling when I really wasn’t).
There was also a lesson in the facilitator’s commentary as they shared their wisdom after each person’s story. One of my favorite stories was that of the caterpillar:
There once was a man and his caterpillar, and he loved the caterpillar very much. It was breathtaking and he was overjoyed to watch it grow. One day, the caterpillar folded into its chrysalis. He was elated that it would soon turn into a splendid butterfly and be even more beautiful than before. He waited for it to emerge anew. But after many days passed, he grew impatient and decided to open up the chrysalis himself.
As he coaxed the butterfly out of the chrysalis, his eyes widened in wonder as to how lovely it was. His caterpillar had turned into a splendid rainbow-colored butterfly that emanated a glow that no other creature could match. However, when it tried to flap its wings, they were so delicate that they couldn't support its weight — the butterfly could not fly. He realized that the chrysalis was protecting the butterfly so that it could develop itself safely and take flight into the world, and by forcing it to break through early, he had irreparably harmed it.
Sometimes we feel that our actions may help others, but they may be harmful in the end. We must be careful not to take on their work; if we help too much or if we help too soon, we may stifle their development. We may also absorb their suffering, which does not serve us. Like the butterfly, it is best to let others’ metamorphoses unfold at their natural pace. This is why we do not talk to or touch anyone else during the ceremony: the inward journey is meant to be a personal one.
As the sharing circle came to a close and we were dismissed for lunch, I reflected on my learnings and realized that there was so much to fully integrate. It would take days, weeks, months, or maybe even longer. And, as transformative and awe-inspiring as Day 1 was, I had no idea how mind-blowing the ceremonies that followed would be or what lessons were in store for me...to follow my journey, stay tuned for next week’s post!