Plant Medicine Retreat: Part 2
Embracing patterns and my inner child
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This post is Part 2 of a multi-part series. If you haven’t read Part 1 yet, you can read it here!
Everyone has patterns, which are the things we do to (and say or think about) ourselves every single day which are counterproductive or harmful. They include patterns such as self-doubt, self-centeredness, and self-criticism, among other things.
I've discovered a deep-seated pattern within myself over the last few months, the manifestation of which I'm growing more aware of every day. The pattern is as follows:
I over-accommodate to get value from the external world.
Deep introspection has shown me more clearly than ever how this manifests in my life, including my relationship with myself, personal and romantic relationships with others, at work, and even during play! I'll reserve the in-depth look at this pattern's manifestations for another time, but the key point here is that this is the pattern I named in my intention on the second day of the plant medicine retreat. I specifically requested cleansing, healing, and outright help in moving through it.
The ceremony on Day 2 was identical to that on Day 1. After receiving the medicine, I laid down and got comfortable on my yoga mat, put on my eye mask, closed my eyes, and patiently peered into the darkness behind my eyelids. As I waited for the medicine to start working, I sensed my mind wandering. I let my thoughts float around for about an hour before they landed on my intention...and then the work began.
What I encountered in the darkness of my visual field was a dense forest with a single main character: an elderly motherly figure, which I recognized as a grandmother, or “Abuelita”. I didn’t “see” her in the sense that my eyes began to see something that wasn’t really there; it was more like a tangible comprehension of what was in front of me, like a mash-up of two things: a deeply familiar, easily recallable memory and an innate knowing. I cannot emphasize the latter enough, and it may only make sense to those who have had a similar, direct spiritual experience. But believe me when I say that I knew her — what she looked and felt like, as well as every detail of her being and presence — as well as I know my own mother and that I am sitting here typing this sentence. IYKYK.
I observed her as if I were seeing a movie scene unfold in front of me. She was dressed in a ballgown-style gown, but instead of silk or tulle, it was composed of a mossy-like substance that flowed out around her as if it were connected to the earth itself. She moved gently among the trees, her gaze fixed on the ground: she was on the lookout for something. She eventually came across a rag doll.
The rag doll was life-sized and resembled a young girl no older than 5 or 6 years old. She wore a pink checkered outfit and had long flowing brown hair. As I looked closer at got to know the rag doll, I noticed that rose thorns were embedded all over her limp body, and it was then that I recognized the rag doll was a representation of me. Abuelita was heartbroken. As she bent over to pick her up, she murmured in the sweetest, softest, and gentlest voice:
“Oh no, my sweet child. Why do you do this to yourself? Why do we do these things to ourselves? You do not have to do this…we will remove these now.”
One by one, Abuelita began carefully removing the thorns from the rag doll...from me. The "me" who was lying on the yoga mat began to weep. But it wasn’t the kind of weeping spurred by sadness or pain. On the contrary, I was overjoyed and immensely grateful for the healing, and from those wondrously pleasant feelings, a waterfall of tears cascaded silently from my eyes. What a tremendous message unleashed by such simple yet powerful images, I thought. I'm still processing the whole significance of it, and I'm sure I'll be doing so for months to come, but for now, I've wrapped my head around what I perceive to be the essence of it: much of our suffering is self-inflicted.
Our ego never rests — its voice is the ever-present companion at our side (see: in our head) nitpicking, judging, and comparing ad nauseam. To our detriment, we direct the voice like a laser beam onto ourselves and we actually listen to and embody what it whispers to us every day. For example:
You’re not good enough.
He has way more money than you.
She’s prettier than you’ll ever be.
You’ll never achieve it.
You’re not dressed the right way.
Your parents won’t approve of that.
Everyone thinks you’re a failure.
You’ll never find true love.
You should change.
Each of these is a lie, yet to some degree, and based on our unique patterns, we believe them. When we give them strength through belief, they morph from ephemeral, unpleasant thoughts into agonizing thorns that bury themselves deep within us. Try to become aware of how you bring suffering upon yourself through repetitive thought patterns and actions that emanate from and serve the ego. Practice self-love. Recognize the thorns you’re carrying. For the most part, you put them there, and only you can remove them.
The end of this interaction and lesson essentially kicked off my one-on-one conversation with Abuelita. Though I remained in the sat of the observer, the movie scene in front of me began to change. Abuelita was now perched atop the enormous root of a giant Buttress tree. Her gown flowed onto (and into) the tree, as if she were a part of it.
I was lying on my stomach, just across from her, on a natural ledge. My elbows were on the ledge, and I had my chin in both of my hands. My knees were bent, and I began kicking them back and forth, heel to buttock. I felt like a small child. I couldn't stop myself from laughing! It was as if I had completed the hardest part and now we could have some fun. She then asked me what I wanted. "What do I want?" I said, surprised. She asked the question again, this time more urgently.
“Well, shoot! Let’s do this,” I said.
Here is a list of some of the things I requested:
Twins (when my partner and I decide to have kids). He's expressed a desire for three children, and I've joked that we should just have twins so that I only have to be pregnant twice. 🤣 Abuelita granted it to me, and as she did so, my lower belly began to vibrate and pulsate in and out. I felt things shifting around inside me. She told me that if we both set the intention of having twins, it will happen.
Healing for everyone at the ceremony
Long lives for our parents without serious illness
Healing for my partner
Healing for my partner’s mother
Healing for my sister
Healing for my lower back
Creative energy and inspiration for both my partner and me
Healing for our home
Language fluency in the sense that I will speak Greek with a more subtle English accent and that words will be recalled more effortlessly (I’m currently studying Level β1). With this request, I had a lot of physical experiences. My tongue and lips moved in ways and at speeds that I was unaware they could. There were flutters, smacks, trembles, and vibrations.
To feel the joy that my parents felt on the day that I was born (!!). This one was wild. I went back to the memory of myself as a newborn in my parents’ arms. They were both beaming and ecstatically looking down at me. Waves of perfect happiness rushed over me, and I began to chuckle at how miraculous everything felt. To be clear, the blissfulness I experienced was not continuous during the ceremoy; rather, it was a state or emotion that I could summon into the present now with a simple request or thought. Interesting. 🤔
After this swarm of requests, my one-on-one with Abuelita came to a natural end. I couldn't "see" her anymore, but I could feel her presence nearby. As I gazed into the darkness beneath my closed eyelids, a young girl appeared. She was a good distance away, crouching down and leaning over a riverbank, her back to me. She was holding one hand in the water. In contrast to my previous experience, this "movie scene" was static, as if I were seeing a snapshot, but it took up my entire visual field. Abuelita said that I could tap her on the shoulder if I wanted to, and so I did. The small girl sprang to life and faced me. It wasn't just any little girl, though – it was me.
I was completely taken aback. I was overcome with excitement, love, and the depth of the feeling, and all I wanted to do was hug her and never let go. I opened my arms to take her in, and she jumped right in. She said nothing to me, but I know she heard me when I told her I loved her. "Stay right here and never leave," I murmured, holding my hands to my heart. I felt a warmth in my chest that was radiating forth.
Only then did I realize that the facilitators had ceased singing the icaros, the shamanic songs that are sung throughout the 8-hour ceremony for healing, purification, and protection. The facilitators take cues from the journeys of the participants as well as the plant medicine itself to determine which songs to sing and when, and that moment called for quiet. It was completely silent. I had never before experienced such intense silence in my life. Nothing (and no one) moved. There was not a single rustling or cough. It was pure.
It was pure as a child — full of innocence, wonder, and magic. That child, like the one I embraced, exists within each and every one of us. Childhood is sometimes dismissed as a hazy memory from the distant past, yet it is so much more. It is not simply a developmental stage that we left behind through the natural progression of time; rather, it is “the foundation of one’s authentic, whole expression of ‘I-amness’ in the world.”1
To illustrate this, below are two images from Firman and Russell’s “Opening to the Inner Child" monograph series (1994). The first graphic represents the linear developmental framework that most of us are familiar with and unquestionably adopt: we are born, then go through childhood and adolescence until we reach maturity. Prior to adulthood, everything — memories, feelings, experiences — is forgotten, suppressed, or even killed off.
In contrast, consider Firman’s illustration of Dr. Roberto Assagioli’s concept of the psychosynthesis of the ages. According to Assagioli, the inner child (A, B) is not just one representation of the ego or a single “subpersonality” among many, but the genuine "heart" or "core" of the personality, with a profound influence on one's life as a whole.
Assagioli’s model of the Authentic Self resonates with me, and it makes me wonder: what wounds do we have in our core that manifested in adolescence and now pervade adulthood? How frequently do we extend grace, love, and the warmth of our own embrace to ourselves? How can we tap into the best of our "childlikeness" in a world that expects us to grow up already? I believe that we carry the answers to these questions within ourselves, and that they are accessible via conscious introspection and exploration, which requires full acceptance of anything we may discover in our search – both lovely and awful. I agree with Firman and Russell’s hypothesis that “…usually people do not come to explore their depths until their current way of living has in some way been found lacking.”
There is so much more to say about inner child work, but I am still learning, and my hope is that in the future I will be able to share more insights for the benefit of my readers, which is why I started this newsletter in the first place. Sharing my innermost thoughts through writing is, at the end of the day, my most sincere attempt at channeling my Authentic Self and supporting my purpose, which is to do my best in all aspects of my life for the benefit of others.
As significant as my learnings on Day 2 of the ceremony were, I am pleased to report that they did not end with the inner child lesson. I experienced so much more, and I'm excited to share it with you all in next week's post…keep an eye out! 🙏
http://www.synthesiscenter.org/PDF/opening.pdf